Portland, 2025. The last Starbucks became a shrine for offended oat milk. Protesters sobbed into gender-neutral pronouns. Then the tee appeared – black as a Twitter shadowban, the “FUCKTOSE INTOLERANT” text glowing like a middle finger forged in Chernobyl. Don Tonzo sold it from a food truck labeled *“FREE THERAPY (JUST KIDDING).”*
A barista wearing “They/Them” nipple tassels approached. “This shirt is problematic—”
Tonzo grinned. “Problem’s my brand, snowflake.” He flicked the tee’s collar. The barista’s hair turned into a Confederate flag. The crowd screamed. Tonzo sipped a latte made of antifreeze and orphan tears.
THE FORGE
Tonzo crafted the tee during the Great Wokepocalypse of 2023. Ingredients included:
- The ashes of a canceled blue checkmark
- AI-generated tears from a diversity workshop bot
- A Merriam-Webster editor’s snapped sanity
“/fuhk-tohs in-to-luh-runt/,” he recited, sewing the definition into the fabric. “Means *‘I’ll eat your feelings with Sriracha.’”*
MODERN DAY
You buy it at a gas station that only accepts cash and contempt. First wear: your therapist’s diploma combusts. Second wear: your Instagram bio rewrites itself to *“Professional Reality Enjoyer.”* Third wear:
Don Tonzo crashes your gender reveal party (you didn’t have one). “Cute safe space,” he says, torching a rainbow flag with a cigar dipped in kerosene. “This tee? It’s a cultural enema.”
THE RECKONING
The tee levitates during a city council meeting. The phonetic guide (/fuhk-tohs/) becomes a sonic weapon. Karens burst into flames. Pronouns achieve gender-neutral nirvana (they stop existing).
Tonzo watches from a burning Prius, eating kale chips made of asbestos. “Final offer,” he says. “Wear it, or become NPR’s next diversity consultant.”
The tee whispers: “TRIGGERED.”
FUCKTOSE INTOLERANT Black Tee | Tonzobeast Original
- Fabric: Gildan 64000. Woven from the carcasses of dead safe spaces. Pre-shrunk to survive tantrums and bleach tantrums.
- Fit: Relaxed-fit apocalypse. Hides dad bods, highlights based takes.
- Durability: Double-needle sleeves for punching through participation trophies. Tag lists your pronouns (lol).
- Artwork: Text glows under virtue signals. Absorbs your ex’s astrology chart.
